I just want to cry

I can't find a job. I just want to cry and have my boyfriend comfort me without offering a solution. He makes it seem like it's easy to find a job so it just makes me angry on top of being sad. I'm very down. I like routine. Nothing I have right now is routine. I don't even eat regularly which is probably contributing to my lethargy. I feel like I'm becoming more and more isolated. By choice, though. Not only outwardly but inside my head as well. I feel addicted to things that keep me from thinking-- Internet and TV. When I'm on the toilet, I read a book. During the day when I'm alone and there's nothing on TV and I can't find anything to read on the Internet, I sleep. At night, when I lay in bed is the only time I actually think. And I don't like it. But I do it because I want to go to bed at the same time as my bf.

It's Christmas Time...

Sing the title like the first line in "Do They Know It's Christmas?"

I'm not in the Christmas spirit. I'm the type of person who only gets excited about something the day of, so this whole time leading up to Christmas day is like.. nothing to me. It wouldn't be a big deal if I wasn't expected to be excited though. But my bf has reverted back to being 10 years old. He hasn't had a real Christmas in almost a decade. Real meaning a tree and presents. He's 30, so it's kind of understandable. Me? I've had real Christmas every year. Whether or not I got gifts or had an actual tree, we still had a Christmas. Three or four years ago, I was with my mother in the Philippines. No actual gifts, but she did pay for my ticket. I honestly didn't realize I didn't get any presents until someone asked if I had gotten any. In high school we didn't have a tree one year. I forget why but I just remember gifts being stacked on the ground. My family has also opened all our presents on Christmas eve on more than one occasion because my mom was too excited to wait. So, not always traditional Christmas but Christmas none the less.

So, my boyfriend has been so excited and I kind of want to roll my eyes but I remember that I've been blessed every year to even have the opportunity to take this holiday for granted. It's really special to him. He wants to have the perfect Christmas. Wants to have traditions. Last year, we spent it together and it was "perfect." The part that bothers me is he wants the stereotypical "perfect." He rearranges the ornaments on the tree over and over. He repositions the presents under the tree every day. He wants a lot of presents. Last year, we set a $600 limit, which I thought was way high but we were both working and living with our parents. We were able to splurge. This year, the limit is $300. I'm unemployed and he and I are living on our own. I'm helping us by using my savings. So. I really don't think we should be spending that much on each other. I love buying gifts for people. I just don't like feeling like I'm being forced to. Or feeling like I haven't spent enough. To me, Christmas is about showing you care. Any stranger can buy me $300 worth of gifts. I don't need a lot of presents. There's not a lot of things I want either. When asked what I wanted from him, I said Kathy Griffin's book and the DVD "UP." Everything else is just extra. He wants tons of specific things so I guess that's where his dollar limit stems from. So, there are three gifts under the tree for him. I know it's not exciting but I told him I go for quality not quantity. And he said the opposite. I hope he was kidding. Although there are quite a few presents under there for me. I haven't counted because I don't care. Not in a mean way, but I won't be excited until I open them. I suppress a lot of my feelings I think... issue for a different day.

Also, you could say I'm completely spoiled to the point that I can choose to forgo the materialistic side of Christmas. I still get presents/ money from my parents, he doesn't. Well, until last year. He has taken to getting them presents and forcing them to get him one. He loves his mom and now that he's working, he buys her a gift--absolutely understandable. But then he has to buy his step-dad a gift as well. She tells him repeatedly not to get them anything but he does because he loves.

I don't know. It's just too big. We do Christmas too big. I'm only slightly less stressed out because my mom's gift to me is money. And I will use that money to cover the cost of buying presents for my bf and family. That's what it means to break even, right?

My Face

For the past month, I've been agonizing over my skin. I'm pretty sure it was hormones because my skin was going crazy the week right before my period. I was breaking out under my jaw, the area between my eyebrows was red, and I was flaking around my nose and eyebrows.

I had been trying something new since at least August of this year-- instead of using facial cleansers or scrubs to wash my face, I was using water. I just wanted my face to be normal! Not super oily and not super flaky. I figured that I had nothing to lose since the cleansers weren't working anyway. There wasn't really any difference at all and I was kind of relieved. It didn't make it any worse but it didn't make it better. Also, I don't have to buy different pimple junk anymore since water does the same thing for me. But my skin still needed help.

About two weeks ago, the day before my period started, my mom suggested I try some Cortizone cream stuff on my eyebrows and nose and it worked!! My skin hasn't felt or looked like this in so long. The skin on my cheeks around my nose is smooth and soft, not hard and flaky. My eyebrows have stopped flaking. I haven't used it on my pimples though because I'm afraid to so other than the jaw area, my face is... normal (!). And I don't even have to use it anymore! I used it for a couple days after I got out of the shower and now I don't need it. Which is good because I googled it and apparently it thins your skin and you shouldn't use it unless it's your very last resort.

Now, I have some doubts. My period ended a couple of days ago... enough time for my skin flare up, which I suspect is hormonal, to calm down. So, maybe it was all just a coincidence. I'll just have to wait until the next one and compare.

A New Life

I am in month three of living with a boyfriend for the first time. I moved out of my parents' house and quit my job in order to make this move. We're about two hours away from my family, I don't know anyone here, and I'm unemployed. I figured I could start blogging just to get everything I'm thinking out of my head.

I used to write in a journal fairly regularly but that stopped around the time I started college and I haven't been able to get back into the habit and I'm not sure why. I've been so against starting an online journal because it's not the same as having something you can hold. Yes, a blog can be neater and more uniform but that also struck me as boring. I like that all my journals reflect who I was at the time. The handwriting changes. The journal covers are vastly different from each other. But on the other hand, I hate that my handwriting has gotten sloppier and sloppier and my journal covers simpler and simpler.

Another thing that stopped me from getting a blog is that it can so easily be deleted. I've typed up my feelings during a certain time in my life and saved it on my computer. Months later, I read it and deleted it because I was over it. I know I can tear out pages of a diary just as easily, but I never have. I write it and put it away. Granted, I have no interest in what I wrote about during certain periods of time, but it's still there. In the book. Under my bed.

But hey, I'll try it.

Boy Sweet and I have been living together since September 5. Things are going well. I stayed with him every weekend for about a year before we moved so it's kind of the same. We both have gained weight during this time. We just eat more when we're together. When we're alone, we both skip meals and just eat when we're hungry. But when we're together, I think we feel responsible in ensuring that the other eats breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I never do that alone. I also think my idea of normal portion sizes have gotten bigger and bigger. I eat as much as he does which is not good. So, to stop that, I've been using the smaller plates. We've also stopped eating dinner together so often since he never used to by himself.

Oh! We've been playing New Super Mario Bros. Wii and it's pretty fun. I love that you just move left to right. I'm not a fan of video games really but I really don't like the games where you can look at things from every angle. It's too much for my non-coordinated head. We yell a lot while we play it because we're always accidentally killing each other but I'm trying to stop (yelling and killing him). AND he totally doesn't trust me! If he doesn't know what to do in the game, I tell him where to go or whatever and he won't do it! Terrible. :)